I’ve noticed that as I let go and heal more and more, I’m left with sweet memories. The pain has dissipated and in its place is an opportunity to hold on to the goodness that was. Because if you look closely, no matter how bad it was, there was sweetness as well.
In my second marriage, we caused each other and ourselves much suffering. Fear ruled most of the time, wrapped in the veils of jealousy, anger, bitterness and pain. Each of us struggling to be heard and acknowledge when neither of us knew how. Each desperate to be loved and to love yet unable to simply allow it to grow. Pushing, pulling, shoving and trying to force and mold and change each other.
In the beginning, when the magic happens that has two people so desperately drawn to each other, the romance and possibility seems so real. We dove in headfirst, me with my arrogance and bravado and he with his stubbornness and swagger. And we both wanted it so badly. I became jealous, bitter, clingy and desperate, convinced if I just kept fighting it wouldn’t all have been a waste. He withdrew, keeping secrets and silently resenting me.
We had opportunities to change course, to start fresh, but without healing, complete vulnerability and openness it doesn’t stick and we just couldn’t get there. In the end, it was too much; the pain too great for both of us. The damage with irreversible and we went our separate ways… with a string attached.
There has never been a time since we met that we went more than a few months without being in touch. Mostly just checking in, seeing how each is doing, staying connected. And we’ve done our work, separately, to heal. In this new space we can love each other at a distance, honor what we had, acknowledge what was and choose a friendship out of mutual respect and affection.
Now when I think of this man, memories of laughter, love and playfulness come to mind. And when anything other than that arises, I gently let it go, pouring love like honey over the wounds.
Thank you, beautiful man, for the lessons, joy, silliness and family you brought to my life.